The last month or so have again made me rethink life. I was stopped in my tracks once again; it wasn’t sudden as I had prior warning so to speak, I was dragging my leg around like it wasn’t my own. What was a shock was the sudden shut down of my normal, and the intensity of the pain levels. My back went into spasm and that was it, if you know you know…
I become enclosed in this bubble that only a few can penetrate. In this bubble so many emotions are floating around, ANGER, FRUSTRATION, SADNESS, FEAR, DETERMINATION, ANXIETY. When you have something and someone snatches it from you, it pisses you off right? Well it’s the same with your health; I couldn’t sit up; stand for more than 5 mins, drive, and shower, make a meal, and so on and so forth.
The wave was huge this time and a swear I drowned a few times, but as usual there are people around me that literally save my life time and time again. After 21 days, yes, I was counting; I could feel my body coming back to some sort of normality. When that bubble bursts, all those emotions are released and you can see clearly again. GRATITUDE, EXCITEMENT, FREEDOM AND AN OVERWHELMING SENSE OF CALM, AND LOTS OF HAPPY AND SAD TEARS, but then I’m also left with this sense of fear when I start to gain control of my body again. I was taught and keep getting reminded that I need to carry on doing the things I want to do and need to do despite the lingering pain but it’s not easy.
Prime example, the simplicity of taking a shower, something that most people take for granted, was a huge mix of emotions. How long can you stand? How long can you sit? Is the water going to irritate your skin? Am I going to be shattered afterwards? During this crisis the first initial shower although quick, felt so amazing I cried as I felt the water wash over me, overwhelming…
Another example, my friend called me and after a general catch up asked me if I wanted to go for lunch. The fear that flooded my whole being was extraordinary. At this point, I had not left the house for weeks, no further than the garden. I pondered on it and thought about all the ifs, but had to remind myself that I do actually want to go and that it’s going to be great. She came and picked me up and we had a lovely catch up. I was in pain when I left and my pain levels were the same when I got back although shattered.
A few days ago, I got back behind the wheel and the sense of freedom is indescribable, as specially as the sun has come out to play. But before I did I was fearful, but I’ve done it before and will continue to do it again. I love the quote “FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY” I remember when the children were younger and they had an exam or a challenge at school. I would always tell them, it’s never as bad as you think it’s going to be. They would come home and say, “Mum you were right, it wasn’t that bad”. Something I have to constantly remind myself, unless my body is physically telling me NO, that activity is a no go of course.
What doesn’t kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humour!
Explaining chronic pain Pt1
Explaining chronic pain pt2